RETURN OF THE JERSEY TURNPIKE TERROR
By Fritz Baugh
GBI Case File GBNY-2003-21/134
She didn't finish the thought, as the garage doors flew open, and a smoking Harley ridden by a skeleton barrelled out at at least a hundred miles and hour.
"JESUS!!!" Roland screamed and jammed the brakes, trying to swerve and dodge...but failing.
The motorbike collided with the ECTO-1 in an explosion of dark green ectoplasm, and the skeleton was thrown like a rag doll over the top of the Cadillac.
Roland somehow brought the ECTO to a halt only inches from a collision with the front door of their own headquarters.
The skeleton pulled himself off the ground, apparently unhurt. "Wicked..." he said, dusting off his biker leathers, his skull face contorting into an eerie grin. He snapped his gloved fingers and the oily green puddle of slime bubbled and reshaped itself into his ectoplasmic motorcycle. He got onto the bike, revved it loudly, and rode swiftly into the night, tires screeching.
"Jersey Turnpike here I come!!! Huh hah hah hah hah hah hah!!!" he laughed as he rode off.
Eduardo pulled himself upright, a painful welt already beginning to form where his forehead abruptly hit the window. "Kylie? Roland? Garrett?"
"Not so loud, Torgo...some of us are trying to sleep..." Garrett's voice shot back.
Kylie was already opening her door. "Egon and the kids were here..we gotta..."
Just then Johnathan Christopher Spengler, Egon's four-year old son, ran up to the ECTO-1, Slimer babbling worredly behind him. "Whoa! Cool! He wiped out on you!!!"
Eduardo regarded the red haired boy and was glad he'd sired a daughter. "Glad we could amuse you, Juan..."
"Slimer, John, where are your parents and sister?" Kylie went over to them, as Roland studied his own PKE meter. Garrett was arming himself.
"Only residual PK in the area..." Roland commented.
"I was at the Radio Shack with Dad when Slimer came in all spastic an' stuff so Dad started back home, but when we got there he had me and Slimer stay in Mom's car...then there was some loud noises and then you guys showed up an' Mr. Skull Head plowed into you on his Harley. Save for his ectoplasmic nature, the kinetic force of the impact probably woulda' been really destructive."
Eduardo and Garrett flanked the garage door like swat officers. "Who's goin' first?" Eduardo asked him.
"Who's got better mobility?" Garrett smirked back.
Eduardo kicked open the door and jumped in, thrower primed...
Egon and Eden were leading Janine up the stairs. Mrs. Spengler was covered in dark green slime, and sputtering angrily. "Damn fool morons..."
"Professor?" Eduardo asked.
"We're fine--you and Roland get downstairs and restrain our two guests." Egon commanded briskly, leading his wife to her chair at the reception desk.
"Is it safe?" Garrett asked.
"As much as usual." Egon answered. With that, Kylie turned John and Slimer loose to run inside.
"Mom? You okay?"
Slimer babbled concern also.
"I'm fine...the pigf...the jerk slimed me on his way out, that's all..." Janine grumbled, trying to wipe the slime off her triangular glasses.
"Kylie, perhaps you should help Janine upstairs to the shower. You do still have an extra set of clothing here, right?"
Janine nodded to Egon. "I learned that lesson early." she chuckled. "Just hand me a petrie dish so I can get a sample for you..." The two exchanged a similar smirk at the private joke.
After Kylie and Janine headed upstairs, Eden asked Egon "Mother...is going to be all right, isn't she?"
Egon nodded. "Of course. My scan detected no lingering psychokinetic after effects..."
"So what the heck was that thing, Professor?" Garrett asked.
"It might be quicker to just locate the case file..." Egon replied, starting to page through the database on the computer.
"Where you want these cucharachas, Professor?" Eduardo asked as he and Roland dragged the semiconscious forms of Norman Draverhaven and Herbert Loone up the stairs and into the garage.
"Tie them to the fire pole for now. I don't have time to deal with them immediately." Egon responded simply.
"You stinkyheads hurt my Mom!!!" John shouted, kicking Loone on the shin.
"Ow!!!' Loone exclaimed. "That hurt you little..." his angry snarl stopped abruptly as he opened his eyes to look at John. "AAAHHHH!!!" he screamed with something that sounded an awful lot like terror. "STAY AWAY FROM ME!!! JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!"
John, as confused as anyone, stepped back from the shouting lunatic.
Egon looked at Loone's scene, something was tugging at the edge of his memory, but he couldn't identify what--which annoyed him. But it would be a problem for another time, as the computer booted up the file he'd called for.
Kylie came down the stairs. "I guess I better call Beth and tell her we're gonna be late after all..."
"Egon's got the file..." Roland pointed out the screen to Kylie.
Nicholas Calmerro became deceased on March 13, 1991 during a vehicular accident incurred on Interstate 95, an accident apparently at least influenced by the presence of crystal methaamphetamine in his system at the time of said incident. He suffered a fatal crash on Exit 13A and one month later manifested as a Repeating Phantasm apparently focused on the I-95 area, specifically the area designated the "Jersey Turnpike". The entity manifested full torso and rode around the area of it's focus on a psychokinetically generated replica of Calmerro's Harley Davidson motorcycle After a chase by the GBNY staff in their ECTO-1 proved insufficient, GBNY Staff Member Janine Melnitz was employed in a sting operation that successfully captured the entity.
Click here for the full case file.
"Great. A biker punk from hell." Kylie said as she rolled her eyes.
"Calmerro met his demise on the New Jersey Turnpike..." Egon explained. "We believe that after his death he became obsessed with continuing to ride it on his motorcycle, although with even less concern for his safety..."
"He's already dead" Garrett summed up. "What's the danger of wiping out, right?"
"Great He's probably more of a danger to traffic than Doctor Stantz..." Eduardo sighed.
Egon stifled a chuckle. "Peter said something similar twelve years ago, as I recall..."
"So what does this mean, Professor...the 'sting operation' Mrs. S pulled?"
Egon coughed and started to nervously clean his glasses, sparing a quick look at the direction of the staircase. "Eden, Johnathan, perhaps you should wait in the kitchen for your mother..."
John and Eden looked and each other, then started toward the stairs.
"Slimer...go with the Twins, please?" Egon requested.
The Twins looked a little disappointed, like Rats. A babysitter. Slimer got a look of terror on his face and gulped hard.
After they left, Roland spoke first. "Okay, Professor, what's so bad you couldn't talk about it in front of your kids?"
"The...er, 'sting operation' we were forced to use was Peter's idea. It proved effective, but Janine was...disgruntled about the method employed. Essentially...Venkman had her dress in a manner befitting the stereotype of the sort of woman of...low class associated with motorcycle gangs."
"Missus S dressed like a biker slut?" Eduardo interjected. "You got any pictures?"
Egon spared him a disapproving look. Kylie wasn't so kind--she smacked him on the back.
"So you thinkin' a repeat appearance?" Garrett asked.
"No." Egon replied. "Calmerro recognized Janine as someone similar to the one that captured him twelve years ago--misidentifing her as Janine's 'older sister'. But while he wasn't bright enough to either realized that significant time had passed or that Janine was, in fact, the same person, he still caught the similarity. I think he would do so again."
"Janine has a real older sister, right?"
Kylie exhaled loudly. "Eddie, what the hell does that have to do with anything?"
Egon gave them both that disapproving look again.
"Okay...but do you think he's canny enough to not fall for the same trick twice? Even if the bait is younger and hotter?" Garrett asked, smirking.
"I don't follow you..." Egon responded.
Eduardo's face broke into his own attempt at the cheshire Venkman grin. "Yeah..now there we go..."
Kylie Griffin's head looked abruptly between Eduardo and Garrett. "Drop. That. Thought. Now."
"It's for the team, Kylie..." Garrett said as he nudged her with his right elbow.
Egon removed his glasses and began to rub his eyes. "I would theorize that Calmerro is suitably guided by his hormonal impulses. However..."
"There is no way in Hell you are getting me dressed up like that." Kylie said firmly to Eduardo, assuming her best Challenge me and you sleep on the couch for a month voice.
Garrett chimed in. "Okay, I think we lost that one. But I have another idea..."
"We'll even spring for a delousing if necessary." Garrett answered brightly.
The leather clad person fiddled with the long, flowing brown wig again. Long, flowing brown hair pulled close to better hide the conspicuously unladylike goatee adorning his face. "And I swear to Jesus, if Conchita ever ever EVER finds out about this, I'll break your arms..."
"Promise is a promise." Garrett replied, rolling to his hiding place. "Torgette."
Eduardo flipped him off. "If the freak doesn't show up in three hours, it's Roland's turn..." he muttered to himself.
"We're all in position, Professor." Roland informed Egon through his cell phone. "Eduardo and the outhouse are set up..."
"Excellent" Egon's voice returned. "Just remember, this could be a long stake out. You're near the spot where Calmerro became deceased, and where he was captured the first time. It seems to be a focal point of his manifestations, but not an overriding one."
"Understood, Sir..." Roland nodded.
Garrett rolled his eyes and mouthed the words "Understood, Sir" with a mocking face.
"Mrs. Spengler and the kids situated?" Kylie asked.
"Janine's already taken the Twins home. They've had enough excitement for one day...As had Slimer. They'd just trapped him in a milk bottle."
"Doctor V. will be so jealous..." Garrett chuckled.
"What about Loone and Draverhaven?" Kylie continued.
"We didn't have the time to deal with them, so we let them go. I'm not worried about them..."
"You let them go?!?" Roland asked incredulously.
"Janine had a...stern talk with them. Like I said--I'm not worried."
All three younger Ghostbusters looked at each other. Each having been on the recieving end of one of Janine Spengler's lectures at one time or another, they almost felt sorry for the two losers.
"How the Hell do chicks stand these shoes?" they heard Eduardo muttering from his connection.
"We don't, Eddie. Why do you think I never wear them either?" Kylie teased back.
"It's gonna be a long night..." Eduardo grumbled.
" 'Huh?' What? Believe me, I'm ready to drop this gig--it's a real drag, y'know..."
"I'm getting a PK reading, Eduardo!!! It's coming this way!!! Valence 4, Negative 435 GEVs...it's him!!!"
"This ain't fair!!! Just not f***ing fair!!! Five more minutes--just five more minutes!!!"
"Quiet, Torgette!!! You're supposed to be a lady!!! Try to imagine what that's like...with as little example as we get around here...OW!!!"
Eduardo muttered several of the most vile curses he could think of, and hefted a can of Budweiser...
Sure enough, the spectral form of Nick Calmerro and his ectoplasmic Harley screamed by before stopping abruptly, with a loud squeal of tires and a loud crash. Nick promptly recongealed and swaggered over to Eduardo.
Eduardo affected his best falsetto. "I know what you want, Big Guy...I got it..." he carressed the Bud can lovingly. "Think you could handle it?"
"Huh huh huh huh huh huh..." Nick chuckled. "Last Babe who offered me something like that stuck me in that crappy place with all the ghosts...but gosh, I love beer!!!"
Madre Dios...he's on to us...
"But Hell, what are the odds of that happening twice in one week?" Nick leaned in and put an arm over Eduardo's shoulders. Eduardo had to actively supress his gag reflex--the skeleton smelled terrible. "Lead on, Hot Stuff..."
"He's falling for it..." Roland whispered to the others.
"That guy really is a dumbass..." Garrett quipped.
Eduardo lead Nick towards the outhouse, where the ghost trap was waiting...Just a few more moments then I can puke my brains out and be done with it...
"NEVER FEAR, YONDER MAIDEN!!!" a loud voice screamed out suddenly.
What the f***? the four Ghostbusters all thought in unison.
"THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS WILL PROTECT YOU FROM THIS FOUL OTHERWORLDLY TERROR!!!"
With that, Herbert Loone and Norman Draverhaven ran out of the bushes on the other side of the outhouse where the ECTO-1 was hidden. Draverhaven had his photon pack, and Loone brandished a glass jar containing a curious yellow object that looked like a sponge.
"You freaks again???" Eduardo burst out increduously in his normal voice.
"Who're these jackasses?" Nick asked, not seeming to notice his "date"'s voice dropping about two octaves. "Um, Dudes, I'm like, trying to get drunk and maybe get lucky here, so could you like, go bug somebody else?"
For his efforts, Nick was hit with a photon beam.
"Hey!!! Watch where you aim that thing!!!" Eduardo screamed, having nearly been hit himself.
Draverhaven was hopping with psychotic glee. "I told you I got it working!!! Hah hah hah hah hah!!!"
The monkey on his shoulder bit his ear.
"I said Draverhaven and Loone are here!!!" Roland was repeating to the incredulous Spengler. "And Draverhaven's gun is working!!!"
"Don't any of you move!!!" Kylie snarled as she jumped from cover, brandishing her proton pistol.
"Whoa...another hot chick..." Nick quickly offered. "Mena...menagie...that threesome thing!!! Awesome idea!!!"
"Time for me to show you amateurs how it's done!!! Loone grinned, hoisting the glass jar.
"A glass jar?" Egon's voice asked with growing concern. "Roland, do not let him throw that!!!"
The jar shattered on the ground right in front of Nick, revealing that the yellowish object was, indeed...
"What the?" Nick said, as the sponge started to throb.
"Feel the power of my masterpiece, foul otherworldly thing!!!" Loone shouted, "A ghost catching device so powerful even the fake Ghostbusters fear it!!! The Ghost Sponge!!!"
"Well, your 'Ghost Sponge" is bogus, Nerdlinger, just like you....now why don't you let me and my lady..." Just then Nick noticed he was starting to distort, ectoplasmic hunks starting to pull away and be drawn to the sponge. "What the f***?"
"It's...working!!!" Kylie admitted.
"This is so bogus!!! This ain't fair!!! What have I done to deserve this twice in one week!? This sucks a...." he was griping as he was pulled into the sponge.
"Professor..." Roland said into the microphone. "it worked..."
Loone went over to the sponge, and picked it up. "So who's bad now, you snot-nosed punks? I'll tell you who's bad--WE are bad!!! " he gloated, high-fiving Draverhaven.
Eduardo grumbled as Kylie went up to him. Kylie kept her gun at the ready, as did Garrett. "Not too bad a job, Eddie. You aughta dress like a girl more often."
"I could say the same thing to you" Eduardo retorted.
"And here I was thinking of rewarding you for being such a good sport..."
"Yeah...I mean, Beth did say she'd watch Conchita all night if she had to..."
"Oh, man, I really don't need to hear any of this...." Garrett chimed in, looking ready to hurl.
"Enjoy your moment, fools...with us back in action, you so-called Ghostbusters had better just pack up and...what the?"
The sponge started to vibrate wildly in his hand, jumping out of it and landing on the ground, continuing to jump and shake.
"What's it doing, Herbert???" Draverhaven shouted. "I thought you said you'd fixed it!!!"
"I DID!!!" Loone shot back.
The sponge started to distort, and grow, and reshape itself.
"Exactly what I was afraid of..." Egon's voice came into Roland's ear, with quiet exasperation.
In ten seconds, the sponge was about fifteen feet tall, and humanoid in appearance. In fact, it looked like a lumpy, spongy version of a skeleton in biker leathers.
"WHOAAAAA..." the creature shouted, a deeper, booming version of Nick's voice. "THIS IS THE BEST METH I'VE EVER HAD!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!! EXCELLENT!!!"
Loone and Draverhaven screamed and ran.
"FULL STREAM ON THREE!!! THREE!!!" Roland shouted. He, Kylie, and Garrett opened fire.
The beams hit the creature that was once Nick, but seemed to splash off of him.
"Oh Hell..." Garrett snarled.
"The positive ions in the sponge are repelling the proton beams" came Egon's voice, steely with authority. "I would suggest a tactical withdrawal"
"No need to tell me twice, Sir..." Roland answered "Egon says run for it!!!" he told his comrades.
"LEAVING SO SOON, BABY? LET'S DITCH THE DORK PATROL AND GET...FUNKY..." Nick rambled, reaching out to grab Eduardo before he could take three steps.
"Eddie!!!" Kylie shouted, blasting Nick's ankle.
The monster planted a kiss on Eduardo's cheek, and lumbered off, carrying the protesting Ghostbuster. Eduardo was screaming every Spanish curse word he knew.
"Hang on, Eddie---we'll get you out of this!!!" Kylie shouted as the three ran to ECTO-1 to pursue.
"Does it make any difference that I'm really a dude???" Eduardo asked Nick in his deepest possible voice.
"HUH...HUH HUH HUH...YOU'RE HOT, BABY...DUDE OR NOT..."
"Great." Eduardo grumbled. "I thought if I listened to Carlos and stayed out of jail, I wouldn't have this problem!!!'
"So how did you stop it? Blasting it didn't seem to work" Roland asked.
"It wouldn't" Egon pointed out. "The sponge is soaked in positive ions--the particle streams are also positively charged, so they repel each other. Fortunately, the ion immersion in the sponge prevents the same effect as crossing two streams.."
"Which is bad" Garrett deadpanned.
"Correct. The strategy we employed was one of enticing the ghosts to leave the sponge, where they could be contained through the standard methods. However, we were surrounded by the house and belongings the entities treasured in their mortal lives--it would be difficult to implement that strategy in this circumstance.
"We could go to Nick's home...contact relatives...maybe there's something there..."
"We don't have time, Roland" Kylie bit. "Eddie won't last that long."
"Yeah. His virginity is on the line now, y'know..."
Kylie bopped Garrett on the back of the head.
"Kylie? Roland? That other guy? You still there?" Eduardo's voice crackled over the link.
"Eddie!!! You all right?" Kylie responded with understandable concern.
"I'm being drug off to be sodomized by a fifteen foot biker ghost!!! I'M JUST FINE!!!!"
"We're right behind you, Eduardo...we're trying to come up with a plan..." Roland tried to reassure him.
"Of course, we're coming up crap so far..." Garrett added.
"You guys are so reassuring"
"I dunno...couldn't we like, reverse the polarity of the neutron flow or something, Professor?" Garrett offered.
"That would be bad." Egon replied simply.
"Yeah...it'd cause a PK neutralization and the explosion would take Eduardo out in the process..." Roland clarified.
"Okay, that's bad, thanks for the tip, Roland"
"Okay...I got an idea..." Eduardo's voice came over the system.
All four listeners were stunned silent
"This guy's a hornball right? Follow my lead..."
"I got an idea...you want some real babes, right?"
"UH HUH HUH HUH HUH....HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH...."
"Well ,there's a great strip club I know..."
"STRIP CLUB? HUH HUH HUH HUH HUH...."
" 'Strip Club'?" Kylie shouted indignantly.
"Dante's Inferno Room..." Eduardo kept talking. "It's one of my pal Peter's favorite spots....before he got hitched and all..."
"HUH HUH...YOU SAID PETER..."
"Is it just me or is this guy sounding more like Butt Head every moment?" Garrett's voice broke in.
"It's possible." Egon returned. "Whatever 'improvements' Loone supposedly made on the sponge might be causing some sort of reaction. Kylie, what's the omicron harmonic showing?"
"Five two. And it's falling...
"Calmerro is slowly merging with the sponge's substance. When that occurs, he will be mindless and unstoppable--he can't be seperated from the sponge then.. Eduardo--keep provoking him."
"I can't believe the Professor just said follow one of Eddie's plans..."
"Bite me,. Miller..." Eduardo muttered into the mic.
"You'll see all the naked babes you want there, Nick..." Eduardo cajoled him. "Real babes--without facial hair...and authentic sets of..."
"NICK WANT BABES...HUH HUH HUH...HUH HUH HUH...."
The ECTO-1 pulled up not far behind. Kylie, Garrett, and Roland got out, particle throwers ready.
Nick walked toward the door.
"Be patient..." Egon's voice sounded to the four Ghostbusters. "You'll only have one shot at this..."
Nick stopped, confused.
"CAN'T GET IN DOOR..."
"Too bad, Muchacho...no babes for you, I guess..."
'NICK WANT BABES!!!" he shouted, howling and thrashing. He dropped Eduardo, and continued to howl "NICK WANT BABES!!!"
"Then get out of the sponge!!!" Eduardo shouted at him. "Then you'll be small enough!!!"
Nick screamed, and then suddenly the sponge crashed to the ground, green vapor pouring out of it. Within seconds, Nick the Biker Punk recongealed.
Another reason the Ghost Sponge failed... Egon would tell them later. The entity could not resist the initial containment, but could seperate back out rather easily
"Whoa..major crash there..." Nick muttered, staggering. "But some girl stuff will make it all feel better..."
"THREE!!!" three voices shouted in unison before Nick took two steps. Three streams crashed into Nick, pinning him against the front wall of the club.
"Let me!!!' Eduardo snarled, grabbing the Ghost Trap from Kylie's back pack. "I owe the jerk for this evening--he is the worst date I ever had!!!"
"BOGUS!!! NOT FAIR!!! BOGUS!!! THIS SUUUUUUUUUuuuuucks..." Nick howled as he was drawn into the trap.
"Occupado" Eduardo grinned.
"Brilliant summation" Roland responded. It just felt like the right thing to say.
"I kid you not, Mrs. S." Roland replied.
"It involved a strip club" Kylie rolled her eyes. "Classic Eduardo plan..."
"He picks up lots of bad habits." Janine smirked, shutting the door on a file cabinet. "I lost count of the times Egon and the others had to go drag Doctor Venkman out of there..."
"Anyway, Nick's all squared away, so barring another unforseen difficulty, he'll not be assaulting motorists or female pedestrians anytime soon..." Roland summarized. "Heard anything about Loone and Draverhaven?"
"Afraid not" Janine answered, taking off her glasses to wipe them. "But we filed a report with the police that they broke in here, stole some of our equipment, and threatened Eden and I. They'll either find the losers or the gruesome twosome will resurface to try and prove they're "real" Ghostbusters again, and get nabbed then. So it's win-win either way"
"Eddie? Would you get that?"
His oldest friend in the world, Eddie Spencer Jr. walked over to the door and opened it.
He opened it to be confronted with two shabby men in the tattered remains of lab coats. One had a huge nose, the other was sporting an ugly toupee.
"I think it's beggars again, Jake..."
"We are not beggars!!! I am Professor Norman Draverhaven, and this is Doctor Herbert Loone. We are here because we have some wonderful innovation in Ghostbusting to share with you!!!"
"We're retired, remember, Eddie?" Jake called over to the large gorilla with a propellor-topped beenie on his head. "Tracey, go wedgie those guys..."